For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10b, NIV)
For months I have been struggling to keep my head above water in a sea of depression and to continue the metaphor, last week, I drowned. This is not an easy thing for me to admit to myself, let alone the world, and yet here I am exposing this truth to you. A great sadness has enveloped my heart and at times the pain is too much to bear. I am empty. Please don’t feel guilty if we’ve crossed paths recently and you didn’t see it – I hide it well. What I realized this week is that I’ve been so foolish these last four months. I have been trying to drag myself out of this by my own willpower. It is only now when I am completely empty and have nothing left to give, no choice but to turn my struggle over to the Lord, that I have found hope. In this chaos of unwanted feelings, the peace of the Lord has settled in me and become my anchor. His strength is rising in my weakness and will continue to see me through the work I need to do to leave this darkness behind. I know that in the days and months ahead, he will comfort me with a comfort that I will be able to pass on and he will heal my heart and mind. The joy of the Lord is in me because I know that he will bless me in this struggle with a stronger, deeper faith.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. (Psalm 40:1-3, NIV)