Friday, March 19, 2010

Letting Go and Moving On

I am once again faced with the anniversary of my son’s death next week. Consequently, I’ve been thinking a lot about him this week. I’ve watched the video of his preschool graduation and sifted through the pictures remembering all the wonderful and not-so-wonderful moments of my life with him. I’ve read through all the heartwarming letters that his sixth grade class wrote to me their first day back to school after his death. I’ve sorted through his old t-shirts that I saved. I was going to make a quilt with them some day. I’ve thought about all I lost when he died. He was my reason for living, for getting out of bed in the morning and facing a new day. His existence established my identity as mom and my life revolved around him. Sometimes the memories are so vivid in my mind I can almost feel him. I can almost convince myself that he is still part of my life and any moment I am going to hear his laugh.

The grief I’ve been experiencing this week has left me tender and confused. In my mind, he is gone and has been for a very long time. I like the new life I’ve begun to build without him. As difficult as it was, I let go of him long ago, or so I thought, and being in the midst of this grief has me off balance. Usually, when I think about the milestones we’ve missed, I remind myself that he is in God’s arms now. No matter how much I miss him, I love him too much to ever want to take that away from him. But this week has been all about what my heart misses, not what my mind knows. I realized this morning that I made the decision many years ago to let go of Bryan out of motherly love and duty but for my sake, my heart held on.

God has a whole future planned for me. One to prosper me. One of hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) And that plan doesn’t include Bryan. For my own sake, I need to let him go. I need to open my hands, let the grief fall from my grasp and reach out for the joy and the life God has planned for me. God knows my heart. He knows the longing I have to care for someone again. After all, he put it there in the first place. I have to trust that God has been waiting for me to get to this point, to offer him what I couldn’t hold onto anyway, to fill my life again with purpose and meaning. I have to trust in his love for me and believe that he wants to give me new joy and new life. And when I doubt that, I just need to look to Jesus, see the scars on his hands and his feet, to remind me not only of his love and his promise, but that both were fulfilled on that cross and revealed on Easter morning.
About the picture:
Deer Lake Park (August 2009)


Green Grandma said...

Your openness with your blog readers inspires me, Maureen. And your pain touches me deeply.

Common Household Mom said...

I will be praying for you this week.