Last weekend, I watched a whole season of a TV sitcom on DVD about teenage life which is set mostly in a school. One of the characters is a teenage girl who finds out she is pregnant. She bravely decides to suffer the embarrassment and ridicule of her peers to carry the baby to full term and then give the baby up for adoption at birth. It raised a question in my own mind about whether I did the right thing twenty-four years ago in keeping my child instead of giving him up for adoption. If I had given him up, maybe he would still be alive and living a full life – maybe married with a beautiful little baby of his own. I was filled with despair and wept uncontrollably at the thought that maybe my selfishness in wanting to keep my baby led to his life ending at such an early age. In seeking God's comfort and help in discerning his truth in this unsettling, unrelenting realization, I was led by the Spirit to Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV):I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God knew Bryan completely when he formed him in me and God created him to be the love of my life. He put a deep, tenacious love in me for my son from the first moment. God created Bryan to be the person he was, knowing that Bryan’s innocence and boyish charm would captivate me. When he placed that tiny life in my womb, he also placed an overwhelming desire in me to be that child’s mother in life. Giving him to another to raise and care for him was never even a passing thought. God’s will and design for Bryan’s life was accomplished even if I didn’t acknowledge him as God at that time in my life. Bryan lived a lifetime in those twelve short years and he absolutely lived every day of the life that God planned out for him. I know that human logic can’t accept it – but Bryan did not die a day earlier than God knew he would.About the pictures:
Deer Lake Park (2009-10)