Thursday, November 11, 2010

Forever Love Waits

Last weekend, I watched a whole season of a TV sitcom on DVD about teenage life which is set mostly in a school. One of the characters is a teenage girl who finds out she is pregnant. She bravely decides to suffer the embarrassment and ridicule of her peers to carry the baby to full term and then give the baby up for adoption at birth. It raised a question in my own mind about whether I did the right thing twenty-four years ago in keeping my child instead of giving him up for adoption. If I had given him up, maybe he would still be alive and living a full life – maybe married with a beautiful little baby of his own. I was filled with despair and wept uncontrollably at the thought that maybe my selfishness in wanting to keep my baby led to his life ending at such an early age. In seeking God's comfort and help in discerning his truth in this unsettling, unrelenting realization, I was led by the Spirit to Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV):

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God knew Bryan completely when he formed him in me and God created him to be the love of my life. He put a deep, tenacious love in me for my son from the first moment. God created Bryan to be the person he was, knowing that Bryan’s innocence and boyish charm would captivate me. When he placed that tiny life in my womb, he also placed an overwhelming desire in me to be that child’s mother in life. Giving him to another to raise and care for him was never even a passing thought. God’s will and design for Bryan’s life was accomplished even if I didn’t acknowledge him as God at that time in my life. Bryan lived a lifetime in those twelve short years and he absolutely lived every day of the life that God planned out for him. I know that human logic can’t accept it – but Bryan did not die a day earlier than God knew he would.

God's great love never dies and that’s why it still hurts so much when I’m missing my child. When God’s love is imparted into a heart, it’s there forever and with purpose. This is not an empty or futile love I feel. My love for Bryan lives on because he still lives. Bryan’s mortal life is done, but he still lives in the arms of our Savior and in the presence of the Father and Creator of us both. Not being able to give of myself to him in an expression of that love is where my pain resides. But one day, when all the days ordained for me have been accomplished, I will again be able to fully express that love which God has placed in me for Bryan, when we are both in God’s kingdom worshipping the Lord together. Knowing this doesn’t help me hurt any less. It doesn’t make the pain go away. But it does make it possible to get through another day of unexpressed, sometimes heartbreaking love for my son. Someone once told me that you never get over the death of a child, you just get used to it. I don’t agree. I’ll never fully get used to the idea of him not being in my life, but I will be able to tolerate it, knowing that our separation is only temporary. And with God's help, I will continue to learn to accept and celebrate life as the extraordinary gift from God that it is, especially when it is lived in the peace and joy of knowing Jesus Christ as my loving Savior and in the companionship of the Holy Spirit.
About the pictures:
Deer Lake Park (2009-10)


Green Grandma said...


I love you for your transparency, for your willingness to reveal your innermost being to your readers. I wish I could take away your pain, but I know that would require being somewhere I wasn't all those years ago to yell out to Bryan or to the driver of the car -- "Look out!"

You'll never know how much I admire your indominable spirit and your trust in our Heavenly Father.



Audrey said...

I often wonder how people who have no faith get through the loss of a loved one. How can anyone get through the pain of loss without the faith that knows that you will meet again through God? I felt such sadness when my late husband died...but I didn't feel the hopelessness that some seem to feel when confronted by death. My faith in God knows that all of our earthly pain will pass and we will find our true joy with Him!

I'm glad that you had 12 years to fill Bryan's heart with your love...and I'm glad that Bryan had 12 years to fill your heart with his love.

Anonymous said...

It's odd, but the older I get the more I wonder about the children that might have been - the three I miscarried between my girls, and Paul's twin. I've always believed I will meet them some day - they went very early back to their heavenly Father. I've long accepted that my children are a loan from God to begin with - like you, I'd like to have had some of them much longer. Hugs!! This was very good - but uplifting to me, not tearful... Me.