Recently I spent a couple of weeks exhausted for no discernable reason. Even when I was awake I felt like I was sleepwalking through my day. No matter how much sleep I got, it was never enough. Just getting ready for work was taxing enough to want a nap before I left my home. I wasn’t sick. I hadn’t overworked my exercise routines or starved myself into a near comatose state. I just had no energy. In the evenings just getting up off the couch to go to bed seemed like too much work.
Last week the Holy Spirit showed me the cause of my exhaustion—it was a control issue. I was dealing with several situations in my life that I inadvertently was spending all my energy trying to control. I was stepping into God’s shoes and taking over his job as if I didn’t trust him to handle the situation properly. I wanted a particular outcome and was stressing myself into exhaustion trying to be God by willing those desires into existence. No wonder I was so tired.
I’ve acknowledged that control has been an issue in my life. I am a recovering perfectionist with occasional God-like delusions. I’ve worked really hard to put that part of my broken personality behind me, but I see now that it is going to sneak up on me if I’m not careful and knock my feet out from under me. Fortunately, I have solid ground to land upon. When something like this happens, it’s always necessary to go back to the basics.
I need to remind myself and thank God that he is in control. No matter the outcome, he has me in his hand and will never let go of me. I need to remember that the only person I can control is me. I choose how I act and react to the circumstances I find myself facing in life. I can face them alone, afraid, unprepared, and uncertain or I can face them with God at my side, in confidence with his Spirit leading the way.
None of this changes the situations I find myself in. But at least now I’m not fighting against myself to produce my idea of the perfect outcome. Instead, I can relax in God’s embrace and walk beside him today knowing that nothing outside of his will or his power will unfold in my day. I can go forth in hope and joy that my God is in control and I don’t have to worry about the details. I just have to look to him in certain hope for the strength, wisdom and ability to overcome. Then in gratitude and joy, share the miracles of his presence in my life with you.